Eggplant: You Are All Unworthy

Hames Jallagher

Campus Legend

Bow before us and bask in our glow, you unworthy peasants! The SGA Senate named The Crusader its student organization of the week and quite frankly, it was long overdue. All other clubs on this campus absolutely suck. I mean, fuck, what’s a SPUD anyway? This is the damn Da Vinci of newspapers we’re talking about, except we turn out a new Mona Lisa every damn Friday.

  Not that we really want to. None of you possess the mental capabilities to even understand the brilliance that is this newspaper anyway. It isn’t your fault. We’re just on a different level. Last week, we literally ran the same article twice. On the same page. With two different credited authors. If that isn’t performance art, then what is? Shia LeBeouf can suck it.

  I would say that we won’t let this award go to our head, but I mean, if multiple people call you a god, at some point you just have to accept it. I mean, look, there is literally nothing more important than this newspaper. All other pursuits in life are worthless. And as the editors of this illustrious publication, we reserve the right to pat ourselves on the back frequently.

  On Sunday, when the Senate invited Jack and I to receive our award, there was a moment of silence before the speech. “They” will say it was because no one could think of any questions for us. But we all know that it was really a moment of silence for all the haters- the ones who doubted us. Who said we couldn’t do it. Well we did it. Mama, I made it. I am the leader of the SGA organization of the week.   What’s better than that? (Other than guys being dudes)

  Getting back to Sunday’s events- after giving a speech that will surely go up there with JFK and MLK’s best, we were presented with that glorious certificate. The Holy Grail of non-laminated paper certificates. Men and Women have fought and died over it, yet there it was in my hands. That star spangled banner known as the RSO SPOTLIGHT AWARD. I immediately knew what Julius Caesar must have felt like when the Roman Senate named him dictator for life. Only this is a way bigger deal. What SGA doesn’t know though is that they’ve created a beast. We aren’t stopping here- no way, Jose. SGA: I’m the captain now.

  “They” said journalism is dying. “They” said a school without journalism major could never succeed. “They” don’t want us to win.  Its The Crusader vs. everybody. You’re either with us or against us.. Our way or the highway. The revolution will not be televised. It will be written in The Crusader.

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