Eggplant: Is that Vince McMahon’s Music?

Greg Hausler

Eggplant Editor

Amidst the circus that is the current executive branch of government, President Donald Trump has decided to make a new hire. You may assume that this person is a member of the first family via second or third marriage; You also may assume that it could be someone who is known for “great, great business acumen” and “doesn’t lose.” This person checks all of those boxes and more. Due to his ongoing battles with every professional sport besides NASCAR (wonder why…) the President has decided to take matters into his own hands and create a new position titled Commissioner/Producer of American Sports. After a 15 second meeting with former Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, he decided he needed someone bigger, better, and more authentic. Two hours later, WWE’s CEO Vince McMahon was hired.

McMahon’s hiring can solve all of President Trump’s issues with professional sports. Will players kneel during the National Anthem if there is the threat of John Cena reminding them to respect the stars and stripes? After all, they won’t be able to see him. Additionally McMahon is in the selective upper echelon of authentic content creators along with President Trump and Kris Jenner, thus providing the oval office with someone else for Saturday Night Live, and every late-night host to base their opening monologue off of. Trump has routinely mocked the NFL’s ratings via the new White House Communications Director’s Twitter, saying  “Ratings for NFL football are way down except before game starts, when people tune in to see whether or not our country will be disrespected!” If there’s one thing Vince McMahon knows it is how to drive ratings through the roof, thus solving the president’s largest ongoing crisis because, as we all know, caring about the NFL’s audience is a vital task for the man with the nuclear codes. Why let fans debate whether to kneel or stand when they can watch two seven-footers fight seven dwarfs? Why watch Kyrie’s return to Cleveland when you can give him a microphone and a steel chair and let him fight LeBron man-to-man?

McMahon also can help the United States Armed Forces within his new position. His experience with the WWE has helped him create a natural formula for muscle growth that he may begin to implement nationwide. That is why in addition to his hiring of McMahon, President Trump has also signed an exclusive contract with dealers of HGH to provide for the troops. All orders will be shipped to Peyton Manning’s house under his wife’s name or Alex Rodriguez’s cousin Yuri.

The American people deserve a commissioner that is willing to take a stand and show only legitimate, factual content. That is, the White House is proud to announce the hiring of WWE’s Vince McMahon as Commissioner of American Sports.

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