Kimball Salt Initiative Yields Incredible Health Benefits

By N.A.C. Lang

 Students at Holy Cross have never looked better. This semester, Kimball Dining Hall has started a new initiative to cut back students’ sodium intake by removing salt and pepper shakers from the table. Students have reported decreasing their weekly salt intake by a whopping 1/16 teaspoon per week and the results have been outstanding. “The weight is literally just falling off me,” stated a sophomore. “I only wish I had done this sooner. I would have stopped enjoying my meals long ago if I knew I would be this much healthier!”

  Other students have echoed these sentiments. “I can’t believe I was worried about gaining the ‘freshman fifteen’ here,” said freshman student Cam Kelly. “My mother had warned me about late-night pizzas, cereal for every meal, and polishing off a whole salt-shaker in one sitting. You know, the stereotypical stuff. But I’m glad that at Holy Cross the temptation isn’t even there!”  A junior told The Crusader, “I like how the new system brings together diet and exercise. Now I spend half of breakfast running around trying to find salt and pepper to put on my eggs. It feels great to get my workout in that early in the morning.”

  Representatives from Health Services spoke with The Crusader about the scary implications of eating salt. Said a nurse practitioner, “It is an indisputable fact that 100 percent of the people who eat salt die. Here at Holy Cross, we are trying to change that statistic. It is essential that we get such a harmful chemical off the tables.” Another health professional added, “People are so caught up in cutting salt from their diet that they forget about pepper—now that’s the real culprit.”

  Over all, students are grateful that the College cares so much about their well-being and the response to this initiative has been overwhelmingly positive. “The best part,” said a definitely-not-drunk sophomore walking up from Kimball to Easy Street, “is that the new shakers are just as easy to steal as the old ones.”

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