Eggplant: Purple Key Society Loses Purple Key

DJ Khaled

Expert on Major Keys

Despite insisting that “No, there’s not a problem, it’ll turn up, I swear,” members of the Purple Key Society (PKS) are still looking for the Purple Key.

The saga started this Tuesday when an unidentified Purple Key Society member checked his pockets and realized the key was missing.

“At first I wasn’t worried. After all, it’s a key, it gets misplaced sometimes. I figured I probably forgot it in my dorm or put it somewhere I normally wouldn’t,” said the student.

However, after retracing his steps and looking all over, even in places he wouldn’t normally put the Purple Key, it became clear that the Purple Key was, in fact, missing. This is the first time the Purple Key has gone missing since 1970, when Clarence Thomas ‘71 lost track of the Purple Key for a whole week. It was later found exactly where he normally put his keys.

As the days have gone on and no key has turned up, members of the PKS have grown more and more on edge, frantically searching all throughout the campus. The current consensus is that the key might have fallen out of the member’s pocket, leaving members with a wide search radius encompassing all of Mount St. James. Suffice to say, the member who lost the key is in hot water.

“What an idiot,” said co-chair Megan Nemeth, “If the Purple Key gets into the wrong hands, it could destroy this whole entire campus. I don’t want to say the member who lost the key might have destroyed the campus, but he might have, and we will make sure that such carelessness does not go unpunished.”

When pressed for further comment, Nemeth said the key didn’t actually do anything and that she wasn’t even mad and that everything was completely fine.

As of press time, disaster was averted when members of the Purple Key Society remembered that they kept a spare Purple Key hidden under a discreetly-located rock outside their office.

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