By Trey Belclef. Staff Writer
In news that has shocked the Holy Cross community, it has been revealed that on-campus a cappella groups are only a cappella groups due to their inability to buy actual instruments. The colleges groups initially formed to perform as bands, but had to perform a cappella due to economic necessity. “You think I want to hear people’s voices? The voice isn’t a wild instrument, it’s no keytar!” exclaimed campus bad boy and Fools on the Hill member, sophomore John Dube. This point of view was mirrored by other a cappella performers who revealed that they had signed up for their respective groups out of hopes of joining real bands, not the earnest embarrassment that is college a cappella. “If I wanted to use my voice like a loser, I would’ve joined the choir,” one Sons of Pitches member reported to the Eggplant under the condition of anonymity. News of this quickly spread throughout the College’s administration, ultimately leading to a response from the College’s President and amateur undertaker Father Boroughs, “Listen,” Boroughs sighed while sitting in his office. “I love to play instruments as much as the next dude. There’s nothing I love more than shredding the guitar, or tickling the ivories, but money is as money does. This isn’t the only time that money has come into campus music after all. Concerns about endowment are the only reasons DJs and EDM are a thing.” To further prove his Rock’n’Roll cred, Boroughs rolled down his collar to reveal a multi-colored tattoo of ABBA bassist Rutger Gunnarsson along his Adam’s Apple. Little is known about how this issue will be resolved, however many in the a cappella community agree they will not stoop to 10-spots.
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