Student Crowned King of the College

By John Buzzard

Ah, election season for the SGA. It ebbs and it flows like a winding river. One day we are running for office or senator and then the next day we read about our crushing defeat in the middle of Kimball and try to hold back the tears. Wait, is that just me? Regardless, we can only reminisce about our democratic elections now that we have a monarchy rather than a student government.

In a shocking bid that was similar to a coup d’etat, the Holy Cross SGA has formed into the royal office of King Gregory the Scholar-Athlete (long may he reign). This was a shocking bid, because not only was the entirety of the SGA dissolved, but college administration was also reformed to make way for our new monarch. It is true, King Gregory, a junior, fills the role of the SGA Co-Presidents as well as the President of the College. We can only rejoice now for King Gregory has claimed Mt. Saint James for his most righteous dominion.

We sing the praises of King Gregory for he has appointed The Eggplant as his chief reporters, heralds, and proclaimers of his noble word. In a direct quote for our lord he stated, “I don’t want any ridiculous newspapers or campus publications to cover my reign. I only want the best of the best and that is found in The Eggplant.” This comes from his first address to the campus community sent out via Facebook, email, Twitter, and Town Crier. We would like to take you back to that fateful day when we first witnessed his majesty.

On the day of King Gregory’s coronation, the clouds parted so that the sun could witness its successor. The crowd stood in shock as they gathered on Fenwick lawn and the Kimball quad to witness their new King. According to our reporter down in the weeds, it appeared that many people were in shock that this was actually happening. It was less of an angry shock as it was one of disbelief. The Pope flew in to coronate King Gregory as it was his divine right to have been appointed King of the College. The Holy Cross Concert Band, now referred to as The King’s Company, provided the fanfare that announced the new position. It was truly a day for the history books.

King Gregory addressed the crowd with words of reassurance for his new position. He told the crowd that he was open to forming a parliament because, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I learned that in Intro to International Relations.” He presented new ideas such as turning off-campus housing into fiefs, students receiving knighthood, a new work study opportunity as a serf, and classes on chivalry. King Gregory stated that he studies medieval history and wishes to share his love of learning, honor, and jousting with the entire student body. In the final part of his coronation speech, King Gregory stated that he has appointed his little brother, currently a freshman, to take office once he graduates. King Gregory stated, “I come from a big Holy Cross family so we won’t have to worry about any wars of succession.”

After a long day, we were finally able to approach King Gregory and ask him one important question. We asked, “How did you become King of the College of the Holy Cross?” and our noble King responded, “Well, I wanted to run for SGA, and they didn’t say we couldn’t have a King. I got my friends to vote for me as King and then I took it from there. That’s pretty cool I guess.” We look forward to more opportunities in the future to speak to his majesty. God save the King!

Photograph Credits: French Moments

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