By Stephan Duncan
Invest in Copper
In light of recent events following the blockbuster trade between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings that sent superstar center Demarcus Cousins to New Orleans in exchange for multiple players and draft picks, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has enacted a new trade restriction amongst the league that bans all teams from trading with the Sacramento Kings, and vice versa, for a minimum of 10 years. In response to the ban, the Sacramento Kings’ team manager Vlade Divac remarked at “the league’s audacity to try and worsen the team’s level of skill, commitment, and dedication to the game,” as well as calling the ban “a monumental insult to the entirety of the organization,” he angrily went on to say. “I know what I am doing for this team, and this trade was the best deal we made in the last seven years. We now have the means to rebuild into a single cohesive unit, centered on a blend of young talent, experienced veterans, and a cache of draft picks that will only add the future depth of the team. In all, this trade has built the foundation of a new era of Kings basketball for years to come,” Divac said confidently.
Despite the dotty confidence that Divac exhibited to the press, a vast majority of the general managers in the NBA actually approve of the ban, many believing that the ban is more for their own good if anything. “In the last seven years, the Kings organization has given up Hassan Whiteside, Isaiah Thomas, and Demarcus Cousins. That’s three superstars right there,” remarked Memphis Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace. “How do you give up Cousins for a group of nobodies? Was Divac thinking ‘Oh, let’s put together two of the best big men in the league together on the same team! Giving up our only known player will surely give us an advantage!’” Dallas Mavericks GM Donnie Nelson sarcastically remarked.
Furthermore, numerous other GMs who have traded with Divac and past Kings GMs question if the organization knows anything about the sport at all. Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge remarks that this past weekend, Divac wanted to trade the Kings’ second round pick for “half a bottle of Pledge Multi-Surface spray, six hot dogs and a skunked 6-pack of Corona Light.” Ainge didn’t accept the trade because he thought Divac was pranking him, but the former realized how serious the latter was when Divac said that his “arm has been twisted and he’s willing to throw in a 2019 first round draft pick” in addition to the first pick that was offered. “I asked him if he was okay, then he said he was willing to trade a third draft pick for a box of paper clips and a piece of string. There’s no fun in scamming people out of picks if they are willing to trade such crap. He’s making the Brooklyn Nets look like a competent organization,” Ainge said while he was drowning in draft picks. In response to the proposed trade, just yesterday, the other GMs joined Ainge and Commissioner Silver held an intervention for Divac, which only made things worse when Divac decided to attempt to trade for all of their best players in exchange for not holding them at gunpoint. Last time we checked, Divac is still holding the NBA general managers and commissioner at gunpoint.
Photograph Credits: I Love Logos