Hawaiian Pizza Declared an Enemy of the State

By John Buzzard, Chief Eggplant Editor

Amidst the daunting culture war that has been shocking the nation for years, a bipartisan ban has been met with widespread appeal. During his string of executive orders, President Donald J. Trump announced that Hawaiian pizza, a pizza with pineapple and ham, has been declared an enemy of state and has been placed on an FBI watch-list. The executive order was placed last week and ensures a nationwide ban on the placement of ham and pineapple on the same pizza. In a press conference that took place hours after the announcement, President Trump elaborated on his decision. Trump stated, “As a New Yorker, I have strong opinions on pizza. If I’m being honest here, I believe that Hawaiian pizza is an abomination. It’s not even Hawaiian—it’s from Canada. What a joke!”

Both Trump supporters and detractors found solace in this decision as it is one that reaches across the aisle. A supporter of Trump, Ben Watson told The Eggplant, “I’m a big fan of pizza and Trump. In fact, I throw pizza parties all the time, and I have never once put pineapple on pizza.” With a similar opinion in mind, Jake Feinberg, a Libertarian reported, “I hate Trump with every fiber of my being, but when I’m with my parents, my wife, and her son, I can’t stand when they get Hawaiian pizza. It’s terrible and unbelievable. I can’t believe I finally agree with Trump on an issue.” As it has been echoed by our fellow citizens, this is in fact a pressing issue for the American people.

A recent survey reported by the Columbia University Center for Knowledge and Obscure Logistic Data stated that to the average American, the nation’s biggest security threats are: illegal immigration, terrorism, Hawaiian pizza, and shark attacks. In this order, it is clear that Americans are at troubled times. This data comes at a time when people are divided by many of the same issues but are united in their scorn for Canadian pizza with American names.

We sought to speak to the President about his recent order, because we wanted to hear in his own words his disdain for Hawaiian pizza so that we could feel better about ourselves. In an attempt to contact the White House press on the issue, we were redirected to another press release about the order that was published days after the announcement. In front of a cheering audience, President Trump once again reaffirmed his allegiance to the traditional forms of pizza and rejected the notion of pineapple on pizza. Trump was in his usual form before an audience of over 100,000 as he held a rally to support this specific executive order. He said, “Folks, I declared Hawaiian Pizza a national threat, because it threatens our identity as Americans. We have some Canadian folks, who I assume are nice people, appropriating the wonderful Hawaiian people and giving them a pizza that I and so many others believe to be a travesty.” Trump went on to state that “these dopes have no idea what they are doing. We have so many talented Italian-Americans, especially in New York, that make some wonderful pizza. I know the guys at Zepelli’s on 5th Avenue, great guys, they are truly tremendous.”

Once the ink was dry, it seemed that the nation took a sigh of relief as they would never have to entertain that topping as an option ever again. Although there are many controversial decisions so far, I think we can all agree that President Trump has made the right decision in barring Hawaiian pizza.

Photograph credits: Stuart Lito

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