Trump Announces New Campaign Manager

In a sudden yet predictable turn of events, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has announced that he has fired his current campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, the third in a string of replacements of the position following the departures of Corey Lewandowski and Paul Manafort. Executive Steve Bannon has stated that the reason for Conway’s discharge from the campaign was due to her handling of her interview with Bill Maher, particularly her ineffectiveness in handling Maher’s constant barraging. “I don’t need some coward to run my campaign, and I don’t have the time to deal with that. I’m dealing with much more important problems. What problems? I can’t say, the media will skew what I say, they always do that,” quoted Trump.

So now, just two days later, Trump has announced that Joseph Goebbels will be Conway’s replacement as campaign manager; though the nominee has been facing criticism from his Democratic opponents for selecting a foreigner to run his campaign despite his negative comments on immigration, Trump had nothing but praise for the man, who has had years of experience in German politics. “He’s incredible, just incredible. He’s had tons of experience in politics, he knows how to make someone look good, he really does. He uses the media to do that, which is something that will be amazing for me; it will allow people to see what a good leader I would be,” Trump said enthusiastically to the Chicago Tribune. Trump has also pointed out how Goebbels shares his views on immigration and foreign policy, quoting, “he’s a take-charge kind of guy. He thinks ahead five moves all the time. He came up to me just three hours after I hired him, and he already had this plan for immigration. It was amazing, he suggested this-this final solution that would completely solve our immigration problem, solve our issues of safety, and all that stuff. Just wonderful, never seen a guy work so hard except for myself.”

Trump has also stated that Goebbels is helping him move forward on his policy for national security, believing that a show of force would be the only way to make us truly safe. “He sent me an email early this morning, saying that we need to be strong to our enemies, gotta crush them and make sure they don’t get up. It was inspiring, just great how he’s passionate to serve this country. I’m actually gonna quote him on this because he’s such a great writer, so inspirational. He wrote, ‘Man can only honor what he conquers or defends.’ It was beautiful, really,” Trump said as he smiled. When asked about the language gap between Goebbels and the rest of his campaign staff, Trump stated he had already hired a German-to-English translator; “Though I might fire the guy, honestly. He’s always giving me these weird looks whenever he is translating Goebbels for me. It’s like he’s afraid of the guy, which is nuts. He’s a nice guy, and I’m great when it comes to knowing who people are, just great.” As of today, Goebbels has declined to interview with anyone, instead saying that he, quote, “considers the press as a great keyboard on which the government can play.”

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