Officially Too Late in Semester to Not Know How to Do Laundry

It is officially no longer socially acceptable for first-year students to not know how to do laundry, experts say. Furthermore, additional studies show that the students who have not learned how to do laundry by Thanksgiving Break will remain unable to do so for the rest of their lives.

“Mid-November is usually considered the end of the transition period for many first-years,” a Holy Cross RA reports. “They’ve been here awhile, so they should have picked up the basics like microwaving ramen, or holding a shower caddy by now. I mean, people are already enrolled in their classes for next semester. People are looking ahead. If you haven’t figured out how to wash your clothes at this point, that’s just embarrassing.”

It is precisely this stigma of shame that prevents the laundry-ignorant from ever attaining the domestic skill. Students are too afraid to ask their more well-rounded counterparts for assistance for fear of judgment, nor can they—God forbid—let their mothers know they have still never washed their own clothes.

The Eggplant was able to interview one of these unlearned students to try and understand how someone could have gotten away with not doing their own laundry for over two months. The student asked that his identity be kept anonymous for obvious reasons. “I never meant for it to get this bad,” he reported through frequent pit-sniffs. “It’s not like I came to college with the intention of never learning how to do laundry. It’s just that I never really had to up until now. My mom visited three weeks in, and she threw a load in before we went out to lunch. Then I brought my dirty clothes home for her to do over October break. But man, this stretch between the October and Thanksgiving breaks has been brutal. I’m wearing last week’s Crusader as underwear. Oh shoot, I’ve gotta run, I need to reapply my Old Spice body spray before Spanish class.” Sources say that was his third application of body spray that day.

The Eggplant also interviewed a junior living in Carlin who reports that he is one of the students who missed the crucial laundry-learning period his first year. “I use the laundry service here and no one—literally no one—knows I can’t do laundry. It is my darkest secret. And it’s not easy work, keeping this lie up. Basically once every two weeks I very publicly and very loudly announce that I need to do laundry. I complain about how bad it’s getting for like, two days. Then, I make sure I am seen in or around the laundry room. This is crucial. I’ll walk by and stick my head in, like I’m checking on a machine. I’ll wait at a random machine with an empty laundry basket. I’ll make up laundry horror stories to tell my friends later. I put more time in maintaining this façade than my schoolwork.”

Inter-House Council has asked us to remind readers that unopened detergent and dryer sheets can be donated to their residence halls’ Thanksgiving Baskets.

At press time, the Worcester Wal-Mart reported a spike in Fabric Febreze purchases.

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