Decision 2016: Candidate Positions

This year’s presidential election is now in full swing, and both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are out for votes. However, between the partisan vitriol, the mendacity, and the focus on non-important issues such as the size of a candidate’s hands or whether or not a candidate has the “presidential look” have blurred out the actual issues at stake. Here is a refresher for anyone that hasn’t been able to keep up.

The Environment:

Clinton: This is a vast right wing conspiracy. Everyone knows that most of the coastal states are blue states. They want to flood us out!

Trump: Believe me, even if global warming was real, I’ll have destroyed the world through conventional means long before it could get rolling.

Education:

Clinton: We must do everything we can to expand our voting bas- I mean provide a quality education for all Americans and ensure that people can afford to go to college and therefore be competitive in the job market.

Trump: I am the greatest at education. While “I love the poorly educated,” I realize that some of those eggheads out there demand more that high school. That is why I plan to bring the successful business model of Trump University to all of our nation’s public universities.

Taxes:

Clinton: The top 1% who would never support me should pay their fair share of taxes. The fact that the trickle-down model proposed by my opponents empirically and demonstrably does not work is a bonus.

Trump: NO! For the last time I will NOT release my tax returns! I don’t care if everyone since Watergate has done it, I’m not letting you see just how little I’m actually worth! Oh, you meant tax policy… I think we can reach a compromise if we say that the fat-cats are paying more while they actually pay less. It’s a win-win.

Criminal Justice Reform:

Clinton: We need reform and we need it now. The mass incarceration of minorities and the subsequent disenfranchisement of said minorities is really hurting the democratic margin.

Trump: Ooh, I just had a great idea. When we’re deporting all the Mexicans, maybe we can sneak in some of our own prisoners with them.

Foreign Policy:

Clinton: My experience as secretary of state makes me supremely qualified. It is my opinion the best course of action for the wellbeing of our nation is to [Editor’s note: goes on for 2 hours on nuanced jargon heavy policy prescriptions].

Trump: I have my own system of determining foreign policy. It’s called “Who Loves Trumpy Most.” Whoever is the most complimentary to me obviously has our nation’s best interests at heart, and I will align our policy with theirs. By the way, as things stand Putin is the clear winner.

Infrastructure:

Clinton: Our nation needs its infrastructure rebuilt in order to remain competitive in the global marketplace. Also, we can borrow at record low interest rates to fund it, and it will be far more expensive if we wait until the metaphor of crumbling infrastructure becomes literal. On a side note the infrastructure projects need to be union so that I can get them off the Bernie craze.

Trump: The key to successful infrastructure is prioritization. We need to focus on the specific pieces of infrastructure necessary for the construction of the border wall and for bringing people to Trump Properties.

Immigration:

Clinton: We should give undocumented immigrants a pathway to citizenship and fix our broken system of legal immigration. And we should make sure that the immigrants and their children remember which party actually treated them like human beings.

Trump: We’re gonna build a wall, and it’s gonna be UUUGE!

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