iPhone Jack Removal

Amidst the controversial choice by Apple to remove the headphone jack from the forthcoming iPhone 7, the technological juggernaut has taken it upon itself to announce plans for the iPhone 8, likely to ease tensions between the company and its customers. Apple CEO Tim Cook and Chief Design Officer Jonny Ive spoke to tech reviewers from Rolling Stone and The “Boston Globe,” promising innovations for the gadget everyone has not started talking about yet. “With the universal disappointment surrounding the loss of the phone jack, we here at Apple wanted to let our loyal and sophomoric consumers know that your complaints have been heard, and that we are already moving forward with the initial design of the iPhone 8 in order to appease complainers” said Cook, arrogantly consuming an acai bowl.

I’ve followed up on the surprise announcement, stating, “In order to truly combine the pinnacle of the digital age with our state-of-the-art software engineering, Apple has agreed to have the iPhone 8 be made entirely out of Amen Glass, a rare eighteenth-century English wineglass usually engraved with Jacobite hymns. “Each unit will be beautifully handcrafted by only the finest of seven-year-old slave laborers in the East. Which country in the East? “We aren’t legally allowed to say,” quoted Ive as he victoriously bit down on a plum. “And in order to appease the voices of our few yet boorish critics, we have decided to include the headphone jack once again in the iPhone 8, bringing back an antique accessory for a phone literally made from an antique.” Cook and Ive then showed the final design for a pair of iPhone 8s, which can be viewed below:

“It’s just a sheet of glass!,” cheerfully quoted Cook as he viewed his offshore checking accounts.

“As you can see, the phones will be as artistically innovative as Picasso, while possessing the technological ingenuity of a fifteenth-century Catholic priest,” Cook then stated. “The final product will be both insanely beautiful and utterly useless, yet I am sure it will still be hailed as the pinnacle of digital phone software by everyone. We hope that this proves to be an incredibly frustrating yet rousing success, and as always, Apple will help our customers settle all complaints, no matter how profitable they may be,” Ive went on to say as he and Cook beamed at the thought of Apple stock skyrocketing. To end the interview, Cook announced the new slogan for Apple, titled: Apple: Because F*** You, That’s Why, smiley face with tongue out and winking emoji, eggplant emoji, followed by the trademark Apple being changed into an acai bowl.

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